Renesmee Cullen's Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
by RosalieCullen93
Summary: Renesmee Cullen has a terrible, no good, very bad day and decides to run away to Volterra. Sequel to Evening


Renesmee was having a no good, very terrible, very bad day. She was so distraught over her break-up with her first human love who had ran off with a werecat that she forgot to do her homework and got scolded by her mom. Then she got in a fight with her aunt over a sweater. The sweater ripped between their grasp and her mom pulled both of them out of the store.

"I'm going to Volterra!" She wailed.

"They even have bad days in Volterra." Her mother reminded her.

But, she decided to go anyway. So, with neither her mother nor father's blessing and her grandfather's disdain she stole a credit card and used it to book a ticket to Volterra. Now she stood before Aro, the interviewer for the Volturi.

"So, do you have any experience with work like this?" He asked.

"No, sir, but I was a hall monitor in high school."  
"Hmm…" He wrote something down on his notepad. "So, how much experience do you have?"  
"…I just answered that."  
"What's your greatest strength?"  
She thought for a moment. "I'm an innovative communicator."  
"Yes, yes, that picture thing you do. What's your greatest weakness?"  
"I'm actually five and sometimes I act like it." She paused. "Do you have TV? Spongebob's on in like thirty minutes."  
"Yes, Jane likes that show too. Where do you see yourself in five-hundred years?"

"Working here, hopefully." She answered.

"No ambition." Muttered Aro. "I think I've seen enough. You're not qualified, but you're kind of cute so you're hired."  
"Hoo-ray!" Said Renesmee.

"TV's down the hall, look to your left."  
Renesmee happily skipped over to where the TV was and plopped down. Jane walked in and eyed her suspiciously.

"Who are you?" Jane asked in a suspicious tone of voice.

"I'm Renesmee!" Renesmee answered. "I'm a new hire. So, you like Spongebob too?"  
"…Yeah, sure do…how old are you?"  
"Five, but I look fourteen. I'm half-human, half-vampire."  
"Oh!" Jane said, recognition shining in her eyes. "You're the girl we tried to kill!"

"Right. No hard feelings, though. Water under the bridge."  
"Sure, sure."  
They both sat down on the couch. It was a really funny episode and they giggled throughout when suddenly, Jane placed a hand on Renesmee's shoulder. Renesmee screamed as Jane made her feel extreme pain.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Renesmee cried.

"DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO STEAL MY ARO FROM ME!" Jane leapt on Renesmee and began choking her. "I'M THE CUTE LITTLE GIRL AROUND HERE! ME! ARO WILL NEVER BE YOUR DADDY!"  
"I HAVE A DADDY YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Renesmee cried between gasps.

That's when Aro walked in.

"Jane! What do you think you are doing?!"

Jane ran as fast as she could (which was quite fast as she was a vampire) and buried her face in his robes.

"PLEASE DON'T SEND ME AWAY AND REPLACE ME WITH THIS…THIS…HALF-HUMAN FREAK!"

Aro hugged her. "Jane. Go to your room. I have no intention of replacing you. You can come out during meal time when you've hopefully regained control of yourself."  
"Y-yes, Daddy Aro." She sniffled and walked to her room, but not before shooting Renesmee a death glare.

"I'm sorry about that, dear Renesmee. She's a bit protective."  
"I noticed." Mumbled Renesmee. "Wait are you two like doing each other or something?"  
"Like wild rabbits. She likes to call me daddy in bed. I kind of like it myself."

Renesmee made a face. "But, you're like way older than her!"  
"Didn't a werewolf fall in love with you when you were a baby?"  
"And that's why Jacob's not allowed to live near elementary schools, yes."

Aro decided to not pursue that topic. "So, I suppose you will not be joining us for meal time?"  
"Oh no, I'm a 'vegetarian.'"  
"We're having pick-up artists."  
"I'll make an exception."

…

Pick-up artists _were _yummy! That's why Renesmee concluded as she walked away from the massacre. The bodies of the human wastes-of-space littered the floor along with fedora hats. So many fedora hats. Strangely, Renesmee didn't feel a bit guilty, mainly because she had bestowed a great service onto the human race (A/N-Do I come across as bitter?). She lounged on her bed in her room and wondered why vampires had beds. Then she remembered that vampires were extremely horny creatures and beds weren't just good for sleeping on. She covered her ears (for all the good that did) as the Volturi and the Volturi Guard "got it on" with their mates.

"Oh, DADDY ARO!" Jane moaned. "SAY YOU'LL ALWAYS LOVE ME!"  
"I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!"  
"SAY YOU'LL BUY ME REALLY SHINY THINGS!"  
"I'LL BUY YOU REALLY SHINY THINGS!"  
"TELL ME YOUR PIN NUMBER!"  
"467-Wait, what?"

"D-don't you TRUST me, Daddy Aro? If you really love me you'll tell me your PIN number!"  
"Is this about how I won't let you buy that Spongebob-themed bathing suit?"  
"M-maybe…"

"You never go swimming. You're a vampire for God's sake. Why do you need a bathing suit?"  
"I sometimes go swimming! You don't know what I do on my downtime."  
"You cling to me."  
"I do NOT cling! Please hold me tighter?"  
"Jane, your room has wall-to-wall Spongebob things. You don't need another one-Oh, no, no, please stop crying…fuck, I'll buy it."

Renesmee decided to stare at a wall and block that conversation from her brain. Suddenly, Caius walked in. He was clutching a teddy bear. Renesmee raised an eyebrow.

"Yes?"  
"I think there's a werewolf under my bed. None of the other guards are taking me seriously. Aro hit me on the head. He's mean. Can you come check?"

"I'm sure there are no werewolves under your bed." Renesmee said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."  
"Really, _really _sure?"  
"Yes, I'm really, really sure. Wouldn't you smell a werewolf?"  
"Maybe…" He said doubtfully.

"I'll go check."

As she suspected, there were no werewolves under Caius's bed. During the night as she was passing time drawing in her coloring book Jane came in and stared at her without speaking for twelve hours. She was holding a bloody cleaver in one hand and a blowtorch in the other.

"I'm watching you." She said as the sun rose and she left.

Right after that, Renesmee booked a flight back home. Her parents looked at her oddly as she approached the house and ran into their arms. Nonetheless, Bella and Edward hugged her back.

"You came home quick." Bella said.

"You were right. They do have bad days in Volterra."


End file.
